Twitter’s Hilarious, Erotic Fanfiction about the Militia Standoff

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You may have read about the armed militia in rural Oregon taking over a wildlife refuge in protest of the government. And maybe you’ve even thought about the parallels between the militant outdoorsmen and the rugged gay cowboys in Brokeback Mountain. Well, now the Decemberists’ frontman and native Oregonian Colin Meloy has officially ignited the internet’s imagination with his erotic gay fanfiction about the standoff on Twitter. Here are the gems.

 

 

 

Wow. Glad to hear the rebels are staying warm during those cold, lonely nights in the Oregon wilderness the sexy way! Have a hankering for something other than snacks yourself? You can cozy up beside our soft flannels right here!

Check out more erotic fanfiction about the militia standoff here: https://blogtown.portlandmercury.com/BlogtownPDX/archives/2016/01/06/decembrists-frontman-colin-meloy-tweeted-erotic-fanfiction-about-the-militia-standoff-and-its-awesome

Food Truck Sells Sex Toys Along with Food

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You’ve heard of a happy meal, but one food truck entrepreneur has thought of the ultimate after-meal treat for his adult clients. Along with selling hotdogs, chips, and soda, the Indiana food truck is generating lots of buzz for also selling sex toys! Kwan Dixon, who owns and operates Pop’s Popcorn and Koosier Daddy’s Food Cart, is keeping business lively because he knows one very important rule: “sex sells.”

“Is sex selling in Evansville? Yeah! More peace. More kids. More peace. It will settle everybody down,” said Dixon. So far, just as Dixon predicted, sex toy sales have boosted food sales as well: “You got to have something afterwards,” he explained. Unfortunately, not everyone in the small Indiana town is pleased by Dixon’s business model, and recently the food truck was shut down because Dixon did not declare that he’d be selling sex toys as well as food. But Dixon isn’t fazed—he knows all publicity is good publicity, and he fully intends to keep putting the “buzz in your life.”

Looking for something to spice things up? We can put the buzz in your life right here!

Check out more about the food truck that peddles sex toys here: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/business-genius-gets-town-buzzing-by-selling-sex-toys-at-his-food-truck_us_56991c47e4b0778f46f90e33

9 Facts About Lube Everyone Should Know

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best_phone_sex_niteflirt_sexhoursLube: everyone uses it. Or if they don’t, they really should. Lube is an essential ingredient to a wet, pleasurable sexual experience for all parties involved. But not all lube is created equal. Here are 9 facts everyone should know.

  1. Water-based lubes are the most common type of lube
    While these are the most popular, probably because they wash off easily, they also dry out quickly, which means you need to reapply during longer fuck-fests.
  2. Silicone-based lubes last longer than water-based
    They also are great in the shower since they don’t blend with water.
  3. Silicone-based lube should not be used with silicone sex toys
    The material in the lube will break down the material in sex toys, which could let bacteria in.
  4. Silicone-based can be hard to remove
    Buyer beware…
  5. Oil-based lubes breaks down the latex in condoms
    That’s why they should mainly be used for handjobs, unprotected sex, and sexual activities requiring, um, bigger equipment, like fisting.
  6. Lube has an expiration date
    Note: once you open it, you should use it within a year.
  7. Keep lube at room temperature and with the bottle closed
    So maybe don’t put it in the fridge?
  8. A well lubricated cock enhances pleasure for both the man and the woman
    Amen to that!
  9. It also helps sex last longer
    And it can help men sustain an erection, especially for those with sexual dysfunction problems.

Want to have a slippery, pleasurable experience? We’ve got just what you need right here!

Check out more facts about lube everyone should know here: https://www.buzzfeed.com/benhenry/lube-it-up-lube-it-up#.sr9wxoVBan

Sex Worker of the Year Helps Man With Bionic Penis Lose His Virginity

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best_phone_sex_niteflirt_robotMohammed Abad is a virgin, not because of a lack of willingness or an inability to chat up women, but because he tragically lost his penis in a car accident at the age of six. Recently, at 37-years-old, and after 118 procedures, Abad once again has a dick—an 8-inch bionic one! So now, of course, the man cannot wait to try out, for the first time ever, his impressive new member.

Charlotte Rose, Britain’s Sex Worker of the Year 2013, eagerly volunteered her services for free. “Of all the people he could have done this with, he’s chosen me,” she told The Daily Beast. “It’s an absolute delight.” As an escort, and sexual trainer, Rose specializes in working with older clients and those with disabilities. Rose doesn’t make as much money as other high-end call girls, but she finds the work incredibly fulfilling. The experience with Abad will be her first with a bionic penis, and she couldn’t be more thrilled: “I’ve not seen it yet, but I’m really, really excited and really, really honored.”

Want to have a really, really exciting experience yourself? We can make you feel like it’s the first time here!

Check out more about the man with the bionic penis losing his virginity: https://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/01/12/my-night-with-the-world-s-first-bionic-penis.html

Class is in Session at ‘Porn University’

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best_phone_sex_niteflirt_cocks_on_filmItalian porn legend Rocco Siffredi, aka “Italian Stallion,” is starting an academy that many eager students would be thrilled to attend: “Porn University.” He wants to teach aspiring adult film stars the tricks of the trade, and since porn is such a lucrative industry (worth billions), going to school to learn the ins and outs of adult entertainment isn’t such a far-fetched idea. Siffredi, ever the entrepreneur, will document his training classes on an Italian reality show called “Universita del Porno.”

Siffredi is aptly calling his academy “Siffredi Hard Academy.” There, he’ll instruct a group of 21 amateurs on various techniques and tactics to help them score big on the x-rated screen. The veteran porn star hand-picked his students out of thousands of applicants, and he’ll be leading the select classes himself over a 2 week period. “During the crash course, they will learn how to be comfortable in front of the camera and learn different strategies to improve their on-screen performances,” NY Daily News reports. Siffredi told the Italian media that all the sessions will be unscripted and will strive to make the learning process as authentic as possible. Bravo!

Looking to have some authentic and unscripted experiences yourself? We know a thing or two about sexy techniques here!

Check out more about Porn University here: https://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/porn-university-opens-aspiring-adult-film-performers-article-1.2387263

Italian Porn Legend Advocates For Better Sex Ed

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best_phone_sex_niteflirt_disneyprincesLegendary porn star Rocco “Italian Stallion” Siffredi, who’s best known as a champion of rough and dirty adult entertainment before it went mainstream, is turning his attention to something a bit more serious than Buttman’s Big Tit Adventure 3: educating kids about sex. The 51-year-old adult entertainer, who James Deen once called his idol, is spearheading a Change.org petition calling for better sex education in his native Italy. Siffredi knows all too well the dangers of young men learning about sex from watching his infamous scene where he fucks a woman in the ass while plunging her head into a toilet and flushing it.

“Pornography should be entertainment, but for lack of alternatives has become a learning tool, especially among young people,” the petition begins. Siffredi made a name for himself when he started doing “rougher stuff.” His business partner explains that Siffredi got popular when “He started to spit on girls. A strong male-dominant thing, with women being pushed to their limit.” Now, he wants to educate young people about the differences between adult entertainment and real-life sex. The petition was launched on Global Orgasm Day, and has already received almost 31,000 signatures. Here’s hoping the “Italian Stallion” can get as many supporters for his important cause as he gets for his head-in-toilet anal-sex scenes!

Want to have some wild-stallion adventures yourself? We can get rough-and-tumble with the best of them here!

Check out more about Rocco “Italian Stallion” Siffredi’s petition for better sex ed here: https://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2015/12/29/this-is-the-italian-porn-star-warning-kids-off-porn.html

Someone Sent the Oregon Militants a Bag of Dicks

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best_phone_sex_niteflirt_zombieYou might remember hearing about a group of militants taking over an Oregon wildlife refuge. You know, the one being called “Y’All Qaeda” and “Vanilla ISIS” on social media. Well, now they have a new recruiting video featuring a militant named Jon Ritzheimer—but the real star of the clip is a bag of dicks (watch below).

The group has been calling on the public to send them essential, survivalist supplies, such as French vanilla coffee creamer, Miracle Whip, hair conditioner and pillowcases. But as Ritzheimer points out in the video, some people are responding to the plea not with necessary supplies, but with other “hateful stuff”—which apparently includes dildos, and as Ritzheimer calls one package, “a bag of dicks.” “It’s really ridiculous,” Ritzheimer complains. “Rather than going out and doing good, they just spend all their money on hate and hate and hate and hate.” We don’t know, sending a bag of dicks seems like a pretty great way to show love and support to us!

Looking to have some rugged experiences yourself? We’ve got all the best “supplies” for that right here!

Check out the video of an Oregon militant getting sent a bag of dicks here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOzRl6pdYBs

Virtual Vaginas Are Teaching the Masterful Art of the Female Orgasm

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best_phone_sex_niteflirt_vibrator1The makers of the website OMGYes are leading the way to a whole new era of female pleasure, one virtual vagina at a time. They decided that an instructional, interactive website could help close the orgasm gap and get women off just as often as men during sex. The instructional website is basically a huge encyclopedia of clitoral touching based on interviews their research team conducted with over 2,000 women.

Now they are offering their findings on female pleasure to the internet. For a small fee, you can learn techniques like “edging,” “hinting,” “staging,” and “accenting,” each with their own descriptions and videos. OMGYes also has “touchable technology,” which helps members to learn about the female orgasm through interactive images of pussies that can be touched, rubbed, flicked, etc. And as you interact with virtual pussies, a sexy narrator leads you through the techniques, describing in explicit, breathy detail how she likes to be touched. The simulations, based on the interviews and the anatomies of real women, are extremely realistic, if not entirely pornographic. “We’re hoping that it gives people a toolkit of things to discover and explore, and new ways to talk about it all,” said a researcher.

Looking for something sexy and interactive? We can lead you through stimulating experiences right here!

Check out more about how virtual vaginas are teaching the art of the female orgasm here: https://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2015/12/30/can-kinsey-approved-virtual-vaginas-help-close-the-orgasm-gap.html

Comic Shares Dick Pic on Instagram—For 18 Hours

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best_phone_sex_niteflirt_strawberryAdult Swim star and comedian Eric André proved that Instagram is too wrapped up with policing nip slips to notice dick pics. André put not one but two full-frontal nude pictures of himself up on the site for 18 straight hours before they were finally taken down. These images were not subtle—and if you’re familiar with the comedian, you know subtlety is definitely not his thing—with André’s dick front and center in each photo (you can check out the now doctored pics below).

Instagram has strict rules about nudity on its site, so how was it possible that André’s dick went unnoticed for almost a full day? Many have pointed out that the comedian’s stunt proves the sexist double standard of male and female nudity on the site. While Instagram is hard at work making sure lady pubes and nipples don’t make it into your feed, a guy posts two full-on dick pics to his account and removes them—eventually—before the site can suspend his access. And his account is still active, so we can only assume Instagram probably never even noticed the stunt! So, guys, feel free to go nuts with those dick pics—but watch out, ladies, that “Free the Nipple” campaign hasn’t leveled the (sexist) playing field yet!

In the mood for something scandalous yourself? We are definitely not about subtlety here!

Check out more about Eric André’s dick pics on Instagram here: https://www.gq.com/story/eric-andres-naked-penis-instagram

7 True and Hilarious SEX-Pectations Vs. Reality

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best_phone_sex_niteflirt_girls_eatingBuzzfeed’s newest illustrated article shows what sex is like when we’re anticipating it in our minds versus what it’s really like in reality. And probably every person can relate to one scenario or another (the hot but inevitably terrible idea of sex with an ex. Or the frustrating difficulty of what should be steamy shower sex). Here are some of the truest and most hilarious SEX-pectations vs. reality (check out the illustrations below):

  1. Shower Sex
    SEX-pectation: “You’re so hot and wet!”
    Reality: “Ahh! Thought you were the girl from “The Ring” for a sec!”
  2. Your O-Face
    SEX-pectation: Rosy cheeks and wry little smile.
    Reality: Drooling, red-faced, and sweaty.
  3. Food Play
    SEX-pectation: Two perfectly fluffy dollops of whipped cream over the nipples, and one over the pussy. Perfect whipped cream bikini!
    Reality: “Oh god. So sticky. Help.”
  4. Ex Sex
    SEX-pectation: “That was SO wrong but it felt SO right.”
    Reality: “I want to kill myself.” “Me too.”
  5. Taking a Bath Together
    SEX-pectation: Romantic candles; comfortable positions; sensual sex.
    Reality: Stress; water getting all over the floor; where do our limbs go?!
  6. Reverse Cowgirl
    SEX-pectation: “Yee haw!”
    Reality: “Why are your calves so boney!”
  7. How You Look the Morning After
    SEX-pectation: *Angel of the morning
    Reality: “Ahh! Oh, sorry, thought you were the girl from “The Ring” again.”

In the mood for some hot fun? We can exceed all your SEX-pectations here!

Check out more about SEX-pectations vs. reality here: https://www.buzzfeed.com/lorynbrantz/sexpectation-vs-reality?bffbmain&utm_term=.pm0oAx8k9Q#.hvMKaAD8Jz