9 Hilarious Sex Jokes

http---distractify-media-prod.cdn.bingo-2034374-980xPeople on the internet are hilarious—especially when it comes to cracking sex jokes. Take, for example, this apt comparison between sex and laundry detergent: 4 pumps = 1 load. Here are other hilarious sex jokes, courtesy of the internet!

  1. “Cake is better than sex because I can remember the last time I had cake.”
    Let them eat cake—off your naked body! Or better yet, splosh with it!
  2. “Sex is a lot like Mario Kart: you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.”
    Describes it perfectly!
  3. “Sex is like pizza, if you’re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck you’re doing.”
    It’s funny ’cause it’s true!
  4. “I got birth control so I can stop being my boyfriend’s Toaster Strudel and start being his Twinkie.”
    Mmm, delicious!
  5. “*in the middle of sex
    “Go deeper”
    Okay
    *pulls out*
    *sits in a chair and sips coffee*
    *opens poetry book*
    Two roads diverged in a wood and I-”

    There’s deeper and then there’s deeper.
  6. “Boy do I love sex. Really love putting my penis into some *looks at smudged writing on hand* verguba.”
    Practice makes perfect!
  7. “Me: Netflix & chill?
    Her: sure
    [later that night]
    Her: so you don’t have Netflix?
    Me [pulling out 20 condoms]: I don’t have chill either”

    The truth will set you free—and get you laid!
  8. “*has sex with you*
    *declines your FB friend request*”

    Keeping it casual!
  9. “when two country music stars have sex they morph into a ford f-150.”
    Exciting!

Looking for some quality entertainment yourself? There’s only one thing better than a good laugh—check out NiteFlirt to get the punchline!

Here’s more of the best sex jokes on the internet: https://www.buzzfeed.com/kevinsmith/about-8-inches-makes-june-5th-wettest-in-history

Hugh Hefner (1926-2017)

Image Credit: CNN.com

Image Credit: CNN.com

Hugh Hefner died on Wednesday, September 27, aged 91. We here at the NiteFlirt blog usually keep things light, with fun stories and joke lists and whatnot, but Hef was a pioneer for free speech and sexual expression in the United States. And Playboy wasn’t just a men’s magazine with sexy pictures and implied smoking-jacket-casual manhood; it left a mark (or burn mark, depending on your personal ethics) on the landscape of American culture.

Playboy launched and solidified artists and writers like Ray Bradbury and Kurt Vonnegut Jr. It provided in-depth insight into the US and world economies. The women featured in its pages were launched into the public eye, and a few like Pam Anderson and Jenna Jameson were launched into the friggin’ stratosphere. Was it kitschy and misogynistic? Could easily be (and has often been) seen that way, but it did lend a hand in casualizing – normalizing – the thing that keeps our species making more of our species, as an unofficial godfather of the sexual revolution.

The original playboy himself wasn’t some saint, both standing up for LGBTQIA groups in the 1950s and civil rights in the 1960s while being accused of being a pimp (could be argued) and a corruptive influence on “the youth” (seriously, what impactful person HASN’T been accused of corruption of those nebulous “youth”?). But we here will remember him for his contributions to not only publishing, but enjoying a little sexy fun in private without a government hovering over our collective shoulders about it.

So our hats (and pants) off to the late head of the magazine that millions of growing teenagers hid under their beds, kept dads hiding that cardboard box in the back of the closet, and changed the USA one sticky-paged free speech fight at a time. Come celebrate the fun of that sexual revolution he embodied, right here at NiteFlirt, and keep the good times rolling!

Strip Club Transforms Into Haunted Playboy Mansion

For the third year in a row, Portland’s Strip Club Haunted House is celebrating Halloween in style. It started as an X-rated one-off and has become an annual event courtesy of adult entertainment mogul DJ Dick Hennessy. The theme for this year doesn’t disappoint: Dick Hefner’s Haunted Strip Club Mansion.

mti0odc2mdi4ota3nji5mtg3“The theme is that I’m Dick Hefner, and I suffer a heart attack and die unexpectedly during an intercourse session with a young lady,” says Hennessy. “So they decide to do a seance with a ouija board, inadvertently opening a portal to Hell, where demons and things from Hell overrun the mansion and take over.” The haunted house has a bar, a library, and yes, a grotto, all with different situations in each room of the “mansion.” What everyone wants on Halloween: sex and scares!

Looking for some good adult entertainment? We can scare the pants off you at NiteFlirt!

Check out more about Portland’s Haunted Strip Club: https://www.wweek.com/culture/2017/08/29/portlands-strip-club-haunted-house-will-return-for-the-third-year-in-a-row/

Porn Site Seriously Wants To Bring Back ‘Sense8’

3611176281_b2810d22f4_zThe sex-positive, queer-centered Netflix show Sense8 is now officially kaput—unless xHamster gets its way. The sci-fi thriller could get a second life on one of the internet’s most popular porn sites. Recently, xHamster penned an open letter praising Sense8‘s “polyamorous perversity,” and offered to produce the show on its site.

“xHamster has a long history of fighting for the rights of sexual free speech and non-normative sexuality,” said the vice president. While the site currently produces The Sex Factor, a reality show in which people compete to be the next big porn star, xHamster doesn’t have experience producing non-pornographic, “traditional” entertainment. But who knows, maybe mainstream TV produced on a porn site could change the way we view television.

Looking for some good “perversity” yourself? Come celebrate sexual freedom right here at NiteFlirt!

Check out more about xHamster wanting to produce Sense8: https://io9.gizmodo.com/this-porn-website-seriously-wants-to-bring-back-sense8-1797965863

The Most Cringe-Worthy Sex Scenes In Movie History

hanleiaMovies are like real life—especially when it comes to depicting awkward sex. Sometimes you fall off the bed, make weird noises, move in unexpected ways, so why not depict those cringe-worthy moments on screen? Here are the most squirm-inducing sex scenes, ever.

  1. The Rock
    “Nicolas Cage is supposed to be expressing pleasure, but really just looks like he’s studying a very interesting plaque at a museum?” says Refinery29. Maybe he should’ve tried method acting to get into the scene more?
  2. The Counselor
    Javier Bardem narrates the moment Cameron Diaz has sex…with his car. This is definitely one of the strangest sex scenes ever!
  3. Zach and Miri Make a Porno
    After Zach (Seth Rogan) and Miri (Elizabeth Banks) get the bright idea to make a porno, the awkward scene ensues: stilted foreplay and Zach’s awkward dance of surprise when Miri starts to unbuckle his pants.
  4. Gigli
    Gigli is considered one of the worst movies ever, and if the sex scene is any indication, we can see why. It features Jennifer Lopez using the phrase “turkey time” to refer to sex with Ben Affleck, but it doesn’t stop there: when Affleck’s character is confused, she clarifies by saying, “Gobble, gobble” suggestively.
  5. Avatar
    “With this symbolic union of tree and tentacle, James Cameron tries to invent a new version of intergalactic sex,” says Refinery29. Unfortunately, it’s ambitious, but definitely not sexy.
  6. The 40 Year Old Virgin
    This is one the most intentionally cringe-worthy scenes, ever! Poor inexperienced Andy with sex-crazed Elizabeth Banks.
  7. American Pie
    What do you get when a horny teenage boy decides to fuck a pie? Movie history.

Looking for a memorable experience yourself? NiteFlirt’s got warm apple pie beat!

Check out more of the most awkward sex scenes: https://www.refinery29.com/2017/05/152250/worst-movie-sex-scenes#slide-14

‘Sex Witch’ Casts Spells To Enhance Orgasms

pumpkinA former stripper has traded in exotic dancing for erotic spell-casting. Shaney Marie now makes a living coaching people on pagan eroticism, which uses spells to boost orgasms. As a pagan priestess, she practices the art of erotic witchcraft, and teaches ‘magic sexuality’ all across the world.

“Sex witchery involves using ancient pagan ways of being to unlock greater pleasure pathways,” explains Shaney. Her clients are taught rituals like praying at love-altars, erotic dance workshops and using crystals and sex toys to heighten sexual climaxes. She also casts spells, known as sex magic, to help people reach new heights, spiritually and sexually.

Looking for some sex magic? We can help you reach new erotic heights right here on NiteFlirt!

Check out more about the sex witch: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-4849744/Ex-stripper-professional-sex-witch-teaches-orgasm-spells.html

6 Genius Sex Moves To Try On Your Man This Fall

holdinghandsLooking for some clever and sexy ways to make your man fall all over himself, literally? Look no further than BuzzFeed’s handy list (inspired by Cosmopolitan’s infamous sex guides), which will definitely get you excited for fall. Here’s 6 genius sex moves to try this fall (Note: do not actually try these).

  1. The “Sweater Weather”
    What’s sexier than a cozy sweater…with nothing on underneath?! He’ll be begging to touch you.
  2. The “Extra Spicy Pumpkin Latte”
    “Warm your mouth with some pumpkin flavored coffee before going south *wink wink.* To add even more spice, let a little dribble out of the corners of your mouth first, the visual of dripping liquid is VERY sexy.” Naughty and nice!
  3. The “Boot Knocker”
    “Blindfold your man and then gently slide his dick in and out of your favorite boots. The rough and soft textures will be crazy hot and sexual.” Auntie Angel’s “Grapefruit Blowjob” has nothing on this!
  4. The “Sweet Potato Smash”
    “Smash up some sweet potatoes and leave them on the kitchen table with a note that reads ‘Enjoy!’ He’ll know what to do with them.” American Pie… er, sweet potatoes…?
  5. The “Halloween Surprise”
    Put on your fav Halloween mask and surprise your man with a morning blowjob—it’ll scare the pants off him!
  6. The “Leaf Pile”
    Rake up some leaves from your yard and pile them on his bed. Hide in it naked and then jump out and yell, “I’M FALLING FOR YOU!”

Looking for something very sexy this fall? Come on over to NiteFlirt and let’s get extra spicy!

Check out more sex moves to try on your man this fall: https://www.buzzfeed.com/lorynbrantz/9-genius-sex-moves-to-try-on-your-man-this-fall

This Vibrator Wants To Be The Smartest Sex Toy In The World

The Lioness just might be the world’s smartest rabbit vibrator. For $230, Indiegogo customers can have their own “enhanced” rabbit, with soft-touch washable silicone, a long dildo for insertion and another small component for clit stimulation. The Lioness’ maker wanted to reinvent the shape of the iconic sex toy, and began making “copies upon copies upon copies” on a 3D printer until she finally landed on the right shape.

Image Credit: Gizmodo.com

“We did a lot of variations in terms of the shape and angle—like the tapering,” she said. Even the shape of the clit stimulator was labored over—there’s a little bump to ensure it can “bury” into the clit. It’s also flexible to avoid the unpleasant clitoral “jabbing” the original rabbit is known for. And like other “smart” vibrators, the Lioness is fitted with multiple sensors that measure your orgasms to give you “data” about how you get off. All we can say is, ROAR.

Looking for smart ways to enhance your sex life? Look no further than NiteFlirt!

Check out more about the Lioness: https://gizmodo.com/hands-on-with-the-vibrator-that-wants-to-be-the-smartes-1797868452

Jada Pinkett Reveals She Uses The ‘Grapefruit’ Oral Sex Technique

4116249488_e44da870f4_zWho can forget Auntie Angel’s infamous tutorial on giving a blowjob with the “Grapefruit Technique“? Auntie Angel and her sticky sweet oral sex trick both became internet famous—but now Jada Pinkett Smith is claiming her husband Will Smith taught it to her ten years ago. “It has been around for a minute,” Jada said about the technique.

“And Will was the first one to tell me about it years ago…ten years ago,” she said with a laugh. Jada Pinkett had audiences buckling over in laughter when she performed the technique in her movie Girls Trip. She revealed the juicy secret when asked about “that” grapefruit scene in the film. Well, it seems Auntie Angel’s technique has even more street cred now!

Looking for something naughty yourself? Come get adventurous right here at NiteFlirt!

Check out more about Jada Pinkett discussing the ‘Grapefruit Technique’: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-4834904/Will-Smith-taught-Jada-grapefruit-technique.html

Essential BDSM Toys For Beginners

best_phone_sex_niteflirt_heartbleedBDSM toys and equipment aren’t just for kinksters. Gear that’s used to restrain, bind, or sexually tease can be enjoyed by everyone. And if you’re new to the exciting world of BDSM, here’s the 4 must-have equipment and sex toys for your kinky treasure chest.

  1. Blindfold
    The blindfold is perhaps the most popular kinky item, and for good reason. The sensory deprivation it provides heightens erotic sensations. Blindfolds are also exciting because they add to the kinky power play between subs and doms—you literally don’t know what’s coming.
  2. Hitachi’s Magic Wand
    Not only is the Magic Wand one of the best vibrators around, it’s also great in bondage dom/sub play sessions. Wands can be tied and bound to a sub’s genitals, or used for edging and orgasm control, to name a few options.
  3. Bondage Tape
    Kink fans love bondage tape, and it’s especially good for beginners. It’s used to wrap together different parts of the body, but unlike duct tape, bondage tape only sticks to itself. It’s hard to break without scissors and it’s safe to use on the skin.
  4. Dildos
    A dildo is one of the most versatile sex toys, so it’s perfect for kinky play. Whether you use it for pegging or with a harness, the kinky options are literally endless!

Looking to add some excitement to your sex life? The erotic possibilities are endless at NiteFlirt!

Check out more of the must-have BDSM toys for beginners: https://www.dailydot.com/irl/bdsm-toys/