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SexyFigaro

Submission, anal, kinky, young, curious

Maybe it's not even BDSM that I'm looking for. Because when I go on FetLife or watch BDSM porn, it just seems.....off, in some way. All the equipment, the posing, the drawn-out scenes; it seems like play acting, and maybe it is, maybe that's the whole point. But it never turns me on. When I hear the subs cry and carry on, it always hits a false note for me. As if everyone involved in the scene is in a play, and they all know their lines, and everything is pre-determined. It lacks realness and sponteneity. And so I go back on the internet and look for things that don't have that veneer of listless deceit. I look for girls who I can tell got way in over their heads when they agreed to do a porn shoot; you can tell it's their first, and also their last. That look of genuine discomfort and borderline terror keeps me coming back. But the videos I like keep getting removed. I can't be the only person who feels this way; that feels like everything else is just an endless series of blah. All I see around me is conventionality, and I know conventionality has its place in world but..... Maybe one day I will get married, get a house in the burbs, have 1.3 kids, and a golden retriever. I'll pay my mortgage for 25 years and be bored, but resigned. But I keep seeking intensity, because a lot of the time, it's the only thing I can feel. Sometimes, I just want to watch the world burn. It would suck, but at least it would be interesting.