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Let's quit the pretend, and talk about you. Why do you want to be a loser? How? How can I make you hurt the most? Let's be honest- you have something that you want, and you want me to take it from you. So. Here's what we'll do.
You send me a message, and tell me why I should bother talking to you. If I feel like it, I'll let you know that I want to talk, and you can call. I might make you pay some upfront, if you sound like a chore or a bother. Bonus points if you send me a tip with the first message.
But don't bother just calling- I'll hang up on your dumb, illiterate ass.