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There I was, your typical non-professional (not be be confused with "unprofessional") Domme, living life and occasionally seeking out men for one reason or another. I turned to a popular web site. After some time, born of my frustration there, I wrote:
Just a public service announcement from your local (or not-so-local, depending upon your locale) non-pro Domme…
Finding the right person - or people - here online is a lot like finding a needle in a haystack, when you're in New York City and the haystack is in Alaska. And maybe the needle isn't a needle at all, but a pin, thinking it's a needle. Or it's a pin, claiming it's a needle. Er, all right, enough of the stupid analogy. In short, it's tough.
For every ad I post, I get over 100 responses. Of those, perhaps two or three are workable, and I'd like to discuss why. Please, gents, don't take any of this as mean-spirited. I aim to be useful here, both for you and for women like me.
1. Some men are submissive. Some men like to roleplay submission. These are two DISTINCTLY different things.
Submissive men need to please. There is no pleasure for them unless someone else's pleasure is at stake. This pleasure can take the form of the sexual, or it can take the form of service, or it can take the form of any of about a million different things. The key here is that a submissive man needs to surrender himself to someone else's desires, whatever those might be.
Roleplaying submission can look a lot like that, but it's not the same thing. Not at all. There is NOTHING wrong with liking to play the role without actually wanting to surrender yourself. The only thing wrong is not knowing that this is what you'd like to do. Do you have a list of fetishes you'd like to explore? Do you have elaborate fantasies about what your submission should consist of? These are signs that you're not really willing to give up control. Again, this is fine, but please, don't approach a dominant woman without making it clear that this is what you're interested in. Be honest with yourself, and be honest with the women you encounter.
Some women like to have complete control. Some women like to roleplay having complete control. It's the same in our world, too. Me, I like complete control. When approached by a man who claims to want to surrender it to me and then later comes at me with a script, I feel rather cheated. On the other hand, if I were the type to want to just roleplay it, and I wasn't experienced in taking it, I might be a little befuddled with an actual submissive man. Again, nothing wrong with anyone, but it's important to know yourself and present yourself accordingly.
2. If you are honest-to-goodness looking for training, you probably will not find it in the world of the pro-Domme. Before I get hate mail from the pro-Dommes out there, let me point out the word "probably". There are some great ones, but they're few and far between.
Well, when you give someone money in exchange for a service, the power dynamic changes. She now has the responsibility to give you your money's worth. She also wants you to come back. She does this by pleasing you, even if it looks a lot like you're pleasing her. Truly submissive men get frustrated here a lot. Those who like to play with submission can often have a fun time.Will you come out of your sessions trained? Probably not. You will come away with experience, and that can be valuable.
Training takes time. It takes trust. It doesn't always (or in my case, usually) take place in the nude, or with someone dressed as a sissy maid. If you are earnestly looking to be trained to submit fully, take the time to find yourself someone you can build some kind of relationship with. Maybe that person's a professional. Maybe not.
Also, men, please know that if you come to me and tell me you're already trained and ready for me, I will laugh at you. Guess what? You've been trained to meet someone else's needs. My concern? MY needs. Maybe you've been trained to give your submission, and maybe you've been trained to perform some interesting tasks, but getting to know me and what I want will take you time and effort. This brings me to…
3. If you come to me via email and tell me you're ready to start serving me RIGHT NOW, I will blink at my monitor and shake my head.
Your submission is a gift. My control is a gift. Do you give gifts like that to perfect strangers?
Let me put this another way. Why would I want something that anyone can have? No, please, have a will that I can break. That ONLY I can break. Don't go and humiliate yourself by throwing your body at the feet of any woman who'll have you. Humiliating you is my job. Don't take that away from me! ;)
Respect yourself and your future Mistress enough to be choosy.
4. You submissives are a confused lot. Not all of you, surely, but many, MANY of you. Some of you are afraid of your own desires. Some of you are afraid of getting hurt, physically or psychically. Some of you think you want one thing, but maybe you want another, and you're just not sure. Some of you are just plain embarrassed.
Should this stop you from exploring? No. But I sure wish you'd take the responsibility to be honest about your confusion. A great woman will help you navigate the things that make you feel confused, whether or not she decides to take you on. I'm more than willing to help the confused masses (well, time issues aside), but I do not like being blindsided by someone who was sure-sure-sure and then runs away. By doing this, men, you're doing two things. 1. You are making life more difficult for women and for men just like you. 2. You are missing out on what could well be an excellent growth opportunity.
I've often thought of starting a monthly support group dinner or something for confused submissive men. I sure seem to meet a lot of you via email. You could learn a lot from each other, but I've a feeling most of you are too shy or embarrassed. It's a shame.
5. This could well be general advice for responding to any sort of ad, but I just need to say it.
If a woman has asked you for a picture of your face, don't send her one of your cock.
If a woman has asked you to tell her about yourself, don't send a one-line response.
If a woman has taken the time to post about her wants and needs, don't ignore them. Address them.
Punctuate. Don't type in all-caps. Use those middle-school spelling lessons to your best advantage. You may be 6-feet-four of luscious muscle, but here on the 'net, where text is Queen and pictures are often stolen, all you've got is your words.
Keep well and safe!
There is only one me. There are thousands of you. The only way that I can reach and help as many of you as possible is to organize. Welcome to that organization.